What Is a Parent To Do?

They’re in the television and the IPod. They’re in the computer and the car. They’re in the smart phone and maybe even the dumb phone. Screens are everywhere.

Before COV-19 the advice was, “Turn them off.” And we Quakers tended to turn our backs on technology calling for simplicity and seeking for more meaningful ways of living.

Then Covid came with its isolation and Zoom became a noun, a verb, and a means of staying connected and for some of us a means of staying sane. We forgot that Zoom used screens.

Now with the possibility of life becoming more “normal,” that is less restrictive, the pundits are again talking about turning off the screens. As we think about opening our meeting houses, being able to greet each other with handshakes and hugs, does zoom, do screens, have a place in our lives once coved is gone?

That is the question meetings are asking. They will have to address it.

Parents are asking a similar question. “Should we shut down the screens?” If we should the next question is: “How do we do so?”

The reality is parents can only shut down some activities using screens. Being even more realistic parents must realize the time is coming when they cannot shut down screens at all. Once a child has a smart phone all the information, entertainment, and gaming possible through screens is theirs.

The fact dawned on me that I wouldn’t turn over the keys to the family car without being sure my children knew how to drive and take care of the car. A smart phone has just as much power for mistreatment as a car. So, I asked myself two questions:

How do I want my children to use screens when they have a smart phone, and unsupervised access to all that is available through one?

What can I do during my children’s pre-smart phone days to help them be able to live by the goals I have?

My answers related to different kinds of activities. I don’t want them playing games all day nor talking to their friends all night. I want to be sure they check the information they look up on their smart phone is accurate.

My answer, that different activities had different preferred outcomes, led me to ask another question:

What are all the different activities a person can do on a smart phone?

My list included: source of information; a tool for using screens; entertainment, gaming, shopping, socializing (including verbally, messaging, and posting on social media); writing/recording; working on my job or doing homework, picture taking, making music.

What does your list include? What do I need to add?

My question asking how I wanted my children to use their smart phones became more specific because I found each use had its own goals and challenges.

The first question, “How do I want my children to use screens when they have a smart phone, unsupervised access to all that is available through one?” became, “How do I want them to manage each of those activities listed?”

A Source of Information

Using the phone for getting information seemed a good place to start. The question is:

How do I want my preteens to use their smart phone as a source of information?

Note:

In writing this blog my goals will be in the first person and stated as if I was nurturing young children now. My experiences growing up or with my own children and even my grandchildren are no longer relevant. Technology has changed too fast. (Radios were an expensive piece of furniture in my childhood and Captain Kangaroo was the favorite of my kids.) So I will write as if I were starting now, relying on my over sixty years of asking questions to raise questions relevant enough now to spur you, the reader’s, thinking, as you address the question, what now for screens, as the restrictions of Covid relax? My questions in green are repeated for you in blue. My answers are offered as suggestions to hopefully help you, the reader, plan how you want to guide your children.

When our children were 10, 8 and 4 we had the opportunity to travel through Europe in a VW camper. We saw cathedrals and castles, battle grounds and places of incredible beauty. What we saw raised many questions that the tour brochures did not answer. We did have an encyclopedia, a fat paperback book about 4x6x4 inches with very small print. It had much information but not enough. We needed the Encyclopedia Britannica but there was no room in our VW camper. Now it would all be there in my back pocket, my 3×5 inch smart phone with its screen. What a gift!

I want my children to know how to use that gift.

Screens attached to various pieces of equipment are a source of information that is catalogued and stored. They are also a means of keeping up to date of what is happening in the world, of the news. The question is:

How do I want my preteens to use their smart phone as a source of information?

Know what is there.

That means they need to know how to word the questions. I also want them to know how to check their answers, to be sure the answer is accurate. This means the ability to check the source of the information and to look for other sources. Thirdly, I want them to know they can turn to me when the information is disturbing or confusing.

My children need to know:

That they need information

Where to look, how to phrase the question to get the relevant answer.

Which stations give them which kinds of news.

How to verify the answer by

considering the source of it

checking other sources

reflecting if the answer makes sense.

What to do if the information is scary or disturbing.

These are my goals.

What are your goals for how your children will be able to search for information on their smart phone when you, the parent, have no say?

So I have identified that I want my children to know where to turn for information and to check sources. My next question is:

What can I do along the way of their growing up to facilitate their ability to use the smart phone in this way?

Here again my thoughts, about how I might be able to help a child live by the goals I have identified, are only suggestions. You, the parent, are in the position to think through how you can support your child’s developing attitudes toward and relevant skills for using their smart phones.

Some of my thoughts are, from my baby’s birth, and most likely before I realize how I use my smart phone for information will be a model for them.

From birth I will schedule my time for getting the news when they are asleep.

When they are eighteen months to two years I’ll verbalize the process for looking up information as I do it. What is the information needed? What ask to get it? What information received? Check it. Recognize whether it makes sense…. And use it.

As children start asking questions, I’ll get out my smart phone and go through the process with them.

As they can articulate the question, I’ll encourage them to do so. The same with the process with me beside them.

Sometime between my children’s fourth and seventh year I’ll begin sharing the news with them. The timing will depend on the sensitivity of my child, what’s happening in the world and what my choices are. Always I’ll be with them. We’ll talk about and discuss what is going on.

As they reach school-age they will be able to seek out information more and more on their own but with me monitoring the process.

As they become older elementary-school-aged students they will increasingly be doing the process themselves but with me around. They still don’t have a smart phone, if I can manage.

During the process children will get into information, situations, topics that are hard to deal with, scary to children and beyond their experience. I will be there to discuss the topics. (An excellent reference for these kinds of discussion is Amy Alamar and Kristien Schlichting’s book The Parenting Project: Build Extraordinary Relationships with Your Kids Through Daily Conversation).

This recognizing that a fact is a fact and thus the need for information will continue into family discussions many of which may be going on during dinner. For this reason, a smart phone will be available during dinner and other family times when discussions may evolve. But it will be used only for searching for information. From my child’s birth, except when a parent’s job requires that they be available, smart phones will not be used by adults or children during family time or friendly chats. All other smart phones are parked somewhere where their dinging and ringing cannot be heard.

Into the early teens, students will be getting their smart phones. I’ll still be around having meals together, doing chores, chauffeuring them here and there. In our talk I’ll pay attention to the information they are using. It is a time I can check if my goals were attained …. And whether or not they care to follow them. All of which there will be times to discuss and talk about. They’ll be telling me what they like and don’t like too.

What are your goals as to how children will turn to their smart phones for answers to their questions to hear what is going on in their world?

How can you help your children, as they are growing up, search for information the way you want them to?

Games and Gaming, Being Entertained

Sitting in Maine I listen to my twenty something year-old grandson’s excited exclamation as he talks on the telephone with his cousin in Nevada. They are deciding their next move in the story they have concocted on a Dungeons and Dragons platform that is exhibited on his computer screen. Games have changed since the first ones I saw in a bar in Alaska where we tried to control the little figures chasing each other over the screen.

Before planning how I want my children to play games, I needed to read up on games. Common Sense Parenting, an internet program, keeps abreast of games and entertainment for kids. They not only list what is available but rate them. It is a reliable source of information.

I have lumped together two activities we do on screens, gaming and being entertained. My goals for the two are similar as are the issues they raise. Discussing them separately would be very redundant.

Do I want my children to use their smart phones to play games and be entertained? If I do how do I want them to do so?

From my perspective I’d have to go into being a super controlling monster to keep them from using their smart phones for either activity. So the second question is, for me, the pertinent one.

What are my goals for how my children will use screens for gaming and entertainment when using their smart phone and I, the parent, have little say?

I want them to:

Be intentional in their decision to watch or to play, not driven by creators of the activity or even peers.

Recognize that deciding to do one thing means not doing something else.

(Something else might be homework, making a dress for a doll, creating a spaceship with Legos, throwing some baskets or going for a bike ride)

Know deep down the activity is interesting and worthy of attention.

Gaming is set up to urge one to play another game as and an episode is written to encourage watching the next one.

Recognize when activity becomes uncomfortable and have the power to act.

. Uncomfortable with content of entertainment

Game asking participant to do something participant not comfortable with.

What are your goals for how your children will use screens for gaming and entertainment when using their smart phone and you, the parent, has no say?

What can I do along the way of my children’s growing up to guide them, as they play games and are entertained, so that they can follow my suggestions when using their smart phone and I, the parent, have littlle say?

As always, I recognize that I will be a model starting in infancy.

Screens will be on only when there is specific reason for them to be.

My gaming or being entertained will be when my children are occupied elsewhere and not available for conversation. This rule rests on my respect for my children and their need to talk with me and their right to be listened to. With young children it is so important to have those on-going conversation for their language development and for the increasing understanding of how the world works.

Seeing that there is an interesting and age appropriate environment for the children Such an environment includes room to explore indoors and out, objects to manipulate and eventually build with, materials for imaginative play and creative production. As children get older such an environment includes learning new skills such as playing soccer or taking music lessons. If there are other things to do and explore that are interesting and fun, what is on the screens will be less enticing.

All screens used by children to be in public places.

For children under three there are times to be with grandparents, relatives or friends far away but little other time. Infants and young children are learning about their world by physically exploring it. Something they can’t do on screens.

Fours and fives and maybe threes parents plan what is seen and played. There will be fun family times when all watch a chosen program. Children increasingly ask to play certain games or watch specific shows peers have talked about. The emphasis will be on choosing the games or shows rather than the amount of time, though this may need to be considered. If there are time limits, parents help their young children plan their time so that they get to see and do what they really want to.

As children move into elementary school conversations may include why I, the parent, didn’t watch a particular show (indicating more interesting choices or work that had to be done elsewhere). Here children are learning that the use of screens often needs to be planned

As they get older we participate together planning when would be a good time and what would be fun for all to do.

Plan with them the timing with consideration of what else needs to be done or other opportunities to participate in.

Discuss when things don’t get done because students were playing games.

As students move into their adolescent years and are using screens more and more privately, watch that children are sprightly and fresh in the morning, looking well, exercising, seem to be sleeping well, and getting homework and chores done.

These are some thoughts I’ve had to prepare my children to use screens thoughtfully.

What will you do along the way of your children’s growing up to guide them, as they play games and are entertained, so that they can follow your suggestions when using their smart phone?

Socializing on the Internet

Covid has changed our thinking about screens most likely forever. In a parent group one mom described how her five-year-old played “house” with her best friend using Zoom. They both had their houses set up with card table and a blanket over … table for their teatime. They moved their tablets so the other could see and chatted whether caring for their baby dolls or dressing for the ball. Another told of her children playing Monopoly, each having the game set up and moving the pieces for the others. Grandparents have read stories to their grandchildren and the business world continued to function. Zoom has helped keep our children and ourselves sane during these days of isolation.

Socializing is both verbal and by messaging.

So I ask, What are my goals for how my children will socialize using screens when on their smart phone and I, the parent, have no say?

I want my child to be able to socialize, greet people, chat, share a story, tell a concern, discuss an issue, make a plan, and when the chat is over be able to close the encounter hopefully with a smile. This means the ability to be concerned about the others on the call, how they are hearing my words and feeling about them. It requires the skill to verbalize experiences, issues etc. One must be able to listen. One must know when not to talk and not to share. One must also be able to pause, ponder and wonder and hang up.

I want my child to be able to socialize with the same consideration when messaging to individuals or on the social media. That is a big jump considering all that must be taken into consideration, the feed train on Facebook to the word limited tweak on Twitter

On the side I want my child to consider what they should/could be doing. Would they be more satisfied doing something else? And what could we be doing while we talk (folding clothes or knitting a sock?

What are your goals?

What can I do along the way of their growing up to facilitate their ability to be socially sensitive when using the smart phone?

As with the other ways phones are used, I am a guide for my children as they learn to use screens for socializing. Even in their babyhood, do I answer the phone and multitask as a change his diaper, leaving him to complain about having to lie on his back. Do I answer the phone and leave my child as we were making cookies together? Or do I let it ring. Do I tell my child when I am taking the call, if I am. What is my tone, as I discuss with the superintendent of schools, rules on the on the school bus? Is my phone the only phone and in the middle of the table during dinner and only used if there is a fact to be check during our discussion?

I can also model by reflecting about my phone calls. “I hope Molly wasn’t upset by what I said. I better call her back.” As the phone is ringing, “I’ll let that go. This is our time, isn’t it? As we continue to decorate the cookies.

Children start socializing using screens at birth. Grandparents on the other side of the continent want to see the new arrival. At first baby is just there but as the babies develop they learn to respond, smile, giggle and by late toddlerhood to listen to stories or play patty-cake. Parents as observers can talk about who is on screen and what the game is. Even at this early age children are learning the preferred kinds of behavior.

As children move into their preschool years, they learn more and more to socialize with peers. In our time conscious world there is always the question of how long children should be allowed to be on screens socializing. What other activities are being ignored. As I see it it depends upon circumstances. What else is available. During Covid when children could not get together, an afternoon of socializing using Zoom was like a play date. Once kids can get together, my hunch is the question of how long on screens, will not be a point of argument, at least for the preschool child.

As children move into their preschool and school years, parents monitor the use of screens as all screens used by children are in the family space. Over time all kinds of questions can be asked. Was it fun? Were you talking with Robert? How is his collection of paper airplanes progressing? What were you discussing when your voices were so harsh? Have you thought how Alexa might be feeling when you spoke that way? Were others entering your game? Did your game change? How? Did you like it?

As children develop and their behavior using screens becomes more complex and private, asking questions is a way to plant the seed of how conversations should sound and issues children may need to consider as they use their smart phones. Finding those moments for such conversations is part of the challenge. Dinner time is optimal for some families. I found sharing chores made the chores easier to do as well as having the private time such conversations thrived in.

These are some thoughts ways I would try to guide my children as to how to socialize kindly and thoughtful using screens. They are not so different from what we talked about when all socializing was face to face.

What can you do along the way of their growing up to facilitate your children’s socializing on their smart phones the way you think they should?

The Picture Taking Part of Smart Phones

Taking pictures is a whole new adventure introduced with smart phones. Gone are the days of the Brownie camera and having to wait days to see the picture and to remember that each picture costs money to develop. Now children can take pictures of anything and everything and share with whom they chose?

Issues involved around using screens are like those discussed around messaging and talking. This blog on the use of screens can become dull and redundant. I’ll keep my words here brief.

So what are my goals as to taking pictures?

I want my child to have fun taking pictures, know when to delete what and when and with whom to share.

What are your goals?

What can I do along the way of their growing up to facilitate their judgement of how they use their smart phone as a camera?

I’ll model how I want my children to use their smart phones as cameras. I’ll observe and talk about taking pictures and sharing as they get older.

What can you do along the way of your children’s growing up to facilitate their judgement of how they use their smart phone as a camera?

Shopping Using Screens

Shopping is a whole different kind of activity from gaming or sharing. It is more like looking up information only this information is for sale and the person posting the items wants to take your buck.

Sears catalogue was the internet in my day. We saw the new styles and learned about all kinds of tools available, sewing machines that zigged and snowblowers that blew the snow away without breaking our backs or causing heart failure.

Now it is all available and so much more just be cruising the internet. And there is that someone coming through the screens pursuing you. Several years ago, Friends Journal had an article that mentioned Friends’ preference for Birkenstocks. For the next week or so I was pommeled with advertisement for high fashion shoes with heels five inches high. We look for something on the internet and the object is paraded before us for weeks to come. Our children must be prepared to deal with this, too.

How do I want my preteen to shop on the internet?

(My goals are guided by the testimony of simplicity.)

I want them to be able to:

Find what they are looking for;

Differentiate between need and want;

Laugh at the ads that keep coming up?

And they need to understand how finances work.

How does one get money?

How does one budget one’s money to cover basic needs?

I hope they will be appreciative of what they have as they wish for what they don’t have.

What are your goals for how your children will shop on their smart phone when you, the parent, has no say?

What can I do along the way of their growing up to facilitate their ability to shop thoughtfully using their smart phone?

Yes, of course, you model the behavior. And as you surf the internet looking for the item, parents need to talk about what they are doing, not every time but occasionally. Voice your satisfaction when the desired object is found and frustration when it is not.

There will come a time when that three- or four-year old wants something. Look it up with him. Talk about why he wants it, how attractive it looks and how he thinks he’d play with it. Ask if some friend has one? Look at the cost. Talk about when he might get one for his birthday or a Holiday. At this age you might start thinking about giving allowances.

Allowances, are they to be earned by doing chores or are they to be given as the family money is parceled out? In the latter case do all the family members do chores as part of living in the family? Shopping online raises side issues.

Another side line issue is understanding how the family gets money as well as spends it. I’ve been in and out of preschools for a good forty years. There is the housekeeping corner with its doll babies. Children carry out so many of the activities they experience in their homes. Many programs have a store somewhere in the classroom so parents can go and buy what is needed. There may even be paper money. I have never seen a bank or parents come home from work and deposit their earnings in the bank or withdraw from the bank to buy the groceries. That abstract part of family life doesn’t get into the housekeeping play. Then add the extra abstract idea of the credit card. Children need to understand that money goes into whatever institution makes the credit card as well as a way of getting money out.

One way is to take the children to the bank. Deposit some real money. Talk about paying the credit card bill. Or even run a small banking system in your home. Children having those experiences will be better able to deal with the enticing yearned for item showing up on the screen.

As children move through their elementary school years continue the discussion of what they see and want, need and can afford. You might carry the conversation to planning the summer vacation or buying a pizza for supper.

What can you do along the way of their growing up to facilitate their ability to shop thoughtfully when using their smart phone?

Screens at Work and School

Screens are for most of us an integral part of our work life. The same is true of our school work.

The work place or the educational institution take over.

Screens as a Tool

What tools do I want my child to have for using their smart phone when they get it?

We have political caucuses here in Maine. I was leading the first I’d ever been to and feeling way out of my comfort zone. I do remember those in attendance were mostly gray haired. An argument broke out between the Hillary Clinton camp and that of Bernie Sanders. I don’t remember what the issue was but one young man stood up and said loudly, “That is a piece of factual information.” He had his cell phone in hand and within seconds settled the issue. Screens, smart phones are a tool. Our children need to know how to use them but not be run by them.

Screens are on the tool that takes us to an incredible library and even reads the book to us once we’ve found it. They are part of the tool that let’s us write the book. It is a tool that lets the architect design a sky scrapper and the dentist follow the root of a dead tooth. My grandsons compose music on their computers.

Keyboarding use to be the method of getting to these marvels. Now you just have to speak them. Still my hunch is at least for a while, children should learn to keyboard. There are wonderful virtual games interesting to fours, fives and six-year-olds that introduce them to the idea that each finger has a place and can have control over specific keys.

The other tools, knowing what the potential of a smart phone, someone else will have to detail. I am still very slowly learning but I know it is a tool my grandchildren will need to be a master of. I don’t want them to be its servant.

What tools do you want your child to have for using their smart phone when they get it?

What can I do along the way of their growing up help them learn how to use those tools on their smart phone?

They will observe the tools I use and copy them. In the early elementary years, I’ll look for an online program that is a game that teaches keyboarding. For other tools I’ll keep open to what they may be and look to find some way to pass them on to my children, if they haven’t already figured them out themselves.

What can you do along the way of your children’s growing up to facilitate your children’s acquiring those tools you’ve identified?

We have explored our goals for our children as to how they can use their smart phones. My goals have been obvious. I basically want them to know how and when to use this technology. To be master of it, not run by it.

My role will be to model, provide opportunities, observe, comment on what they are doing and ask questions. At breakfast, “Did you get your homework done?” after having checked that the eleventh grader was still playing a game with his friend and the calculus book not yet opened. Or as Stephen came to say good night the parent asked what was so funny on the (current show). You were laughing so hard I could hear it way down here.”

How will you help your child master the skills needed to assess all the wonders of the smart phone?

Screens, screens everywhere.

That 6×3 x .4 inches box in my pocket reminds me

that they are.

And the question is:

Will our children master screens or let screens master them?

Post Script

Please note that questions and guidance are more effective if:

There exists a strong loving relationship between parent and child.
Is the way the child learns is considered: Infants and toddlers learn by watching, listening and doing. The elementary school lagged child adds learning by talking.
Children need to live in a home environment that is age appropriate, interesting, and fun. The toddler needs an environment to explore, kitchen cabinets to crawl into and out of, corners with pinecones and oatmeal boxes for making music. In an environment that has encouraged adolescents to develop a passion, a sport, a musical instrument, a craft … something that they look forward to doing.

Screens, Screens, Everywhere Screens